Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
