there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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