I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
