Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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