sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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