could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
