Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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