I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
