I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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