Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
