Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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