I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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