went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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