I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
