is your mom at the bar?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
