I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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