Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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