PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
