So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have feelings that need drinking.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
