so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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