yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
