I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.