Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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