Michael Bay diarrhea
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
