Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
