so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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