your thong is hanging out like whoa
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
