she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
