Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
