My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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