i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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