How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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