someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
