WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
