kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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