I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
