I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
