Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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