smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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