Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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