So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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