I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
