the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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