Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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