My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
