can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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