remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
