I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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