She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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