So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
