I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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