he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
