i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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