I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
