I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
