and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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